Volkswagen Automobiles Forum banner
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
'Black Balled' member
Joined
·
5,500 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
saw this on 'nother site; great 'real world' discription of the 'uses' of garage tools;

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh
shit!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand. They can also be used to sculpture
your wife's nose when they fall from a motorhome TV antenna!

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin-foil oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the
object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing hands and work clothes, but only while wearing them.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:

(A personal favorite!)

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'SON-OF-A-BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool you will need.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
10,805 Posts
Im stealing some of them Kev, thanks
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
674 Posts
QUOTE (BLZEEDUB @ Apr 5 2011, 06:05 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
[/i]

oh it happens, normally some expensive sensor.....
 

·
Mr Magoo
Joined
·
4,282 Posts
Love it
cos theyre all true
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
651 Posts
brilliant


they are all 100% accurate
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top