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Kevin
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2,344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey!

what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and

helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "what's the matter

with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking

a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into

the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into

the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaak dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
 

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Kevin
Joined
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2,344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The wife came home early

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened." "It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep" "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me,

"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"
 
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