Coming Home Drunk

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my
slippers from upstairs please mate. The guy goes upstairs, and there
are his mate's gorgeous twin 19 year old daughters.

Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you.

The first daughter says, That's not true.

He says, I'll prove it.

He yells down the stairs, Both of them?

His mate yells back, Of course, both of them.

Paddy came home from the pub late one Friday
evening stinking of drink,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife
who was already
asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at
the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell
are you?" Demanded
Paddy, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Paddy was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch. We
can only send you back ! as a dog or a hen." Paddy
was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so
bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So
you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Paddy, "but I have this
strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Paddy
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds
later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of
relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he
experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the
feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as
a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay
his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife
shouting "Paddy, wake up you drunken b*stard,
you're sh*tting the bed"

very good