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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love
you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when, she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, woman, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - £85.26
Hot Breakfast - £4.20
Red Rose bud -£3.00
Two Aspirins - £0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
 

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1,180 Posts
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my
slippers from upstairs please mate. The guy goes upstairs, and there
are his mate's gorgeous twin 19 year old daughters.

Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you.

The first daughter says, That's not true.

He says, I'll prove it.

He yells down the stairs, Both of them?

His mate yells back, Of course, both of them.
 

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Damien
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129 Posts
Paddy came home from the pub late one Friday
evening stinking of drink,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife
who was already
asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at
the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell
are you?" Demanded
Paddy, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Paddy was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me
back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch. We
can only send you back ! as a dog or a hen." Paddy
was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he
asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so
bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So
you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Paddy, "but I have this
strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Paddy
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds
later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of
relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he
experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the
feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as
a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay
his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife
shouting "Paddy, wake up you drunken b*stard,
you're sh*tting the bed"
 
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