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Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of
life there.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit
from anybody.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an
essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing
only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of
space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of
time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known
as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man.
Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually
roundhouse kick you yesterday.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and the
Mary and Jane cards from the game Guess Who.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
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