[RobbieRolex]

Did you hear about the gay woodworm.........he ate the knob off the door.

 

[VinnyTheGolfMan]

A little girl jumps on Santa's lap:

Girl: "For Christmas, I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa: "Don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?"

Girl: "Oh no Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe."

 

[abellew]

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… "Looking for man with these qualifications: won't beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed."

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out.

After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

[abellew]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

 

[vRSNIck]

The wife says to me last night, Why don't we make love like they do in the films?

So i bent her over the table, fucked her up the arse, then jizzed all over her tits!

It turns out we don't watch the same films

 

[abellew]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom... The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

 

[abellew]

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.
The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in.

 

[Carden]

Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car. The woman said "Kiss me where it's wet!"

So Paddy started the car and drove her to Mayo.

 

[GT1]

When a girl goes out drinking with her friends and doesn't come home, her boyfriend calls all her friends, nobody's seen her. Everyone is worried and the search begins.

When a guy goes out on the beer and doesn't come home, his girlfriend calls all his friends looking for him. 8 of his friends say he slept at theirs lastnight and 3 insist he's still there!

 

[The Undertaker]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another and another........
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.'
'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

 

[neilc]

Q: Why are pirates angry?

A: They just Arghhhhhh!

Q: Why do elephants have Big ears?

A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransome!

 

[Brian.G]

QUOTE (walterc @ Jan 19 2010, 07:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>Paddy was messing about with a woman in his car. The woman said "Kiss me where it's wet!"

So Paddy started the car and drove her to Mayo.

 

[StevenR]

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock in a birds mouth.

 

[cliffperse]

QUOTE (StevenR @ Jan 19 2010, 01:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock in a birds mouth.

 

[Darragh B]

Im crap at telling jokes so I'l let this man do it for me....Frankie Boyle

 

[patrickmcmanus]

whats the diff between tiger woods and santa

santa only has 3 ho's

 

[patrickmcmanus]

man brings his kid to the zoo and went to the lions cage
kid sez what are they doing daddy
dad sez makin cakes

they went to the bears cage

kid sez what are they doin
dad sez makin cakes

so the next mornin kid comes down stairs and sez mammy daddy i know u wer makin cakes last night coz i licked the icein off the couch

 

[ShaunieVW]

thats just wrong!!!

What do you call cheese that is not your's?

Nacho Cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Guest]

what did the man say to the paedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

 

[T J Hooker]

Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
His Dad deals coke
And his Mum steals tea
He cried when he missed a penalty.
______________________________________________________
Chelsea wherever you may be
Don't leave your wife with John Terry
He cannot shoot
And he can't ****ing pass
But he'll take your missus up the arse.
___________________________________________________________

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said, "I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain's armband. Do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for me."
__________________________________________________________________

What's brown and kills babies?

John Terry's wallet.
_________________________________________________________

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."

________________________________________________________________

John Terry after match comments: "I don't know what all the fuss is about. Everyone knows if a full back leaves a hole, it's the job of a centre back to fill it."

_________________________________________________________________

Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry.

It's designed to help you slip in the box more easily.