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Any Good Jokes Lads?

156K views 340 replies 113 participants last post by  Gurrier  
#1 ·
What do Iris Robinson and IKEA have in common?

1 dodgy screw and the whole cabinet falls apart, wakka wakka wakka
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#4 ·
Give it a minute to load its a bit slow, dunno why.

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#8 ·
QUOTE (Dermot @ Jan 14 2010, 02:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>What is it? its takin too long!

Is that not the joke?
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Bloke walks into a bar with a girrafe, orders a pint and the girrafe collapses on the floor!

Barman says, "ye cant leave that lying there like that"

Bloke says, "its not a lion its a girrafe"!
 
#9 ·
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual, soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tshirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "your going to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and i thought "I am either still dreaming or this is my lucky day!" Not wanting to loose a moment i embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, tshirt still around her neck.

Happy but a little puzzled, I asked "what was that all about?" She explained "the egg timer is broken"

Im here all week
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#10 ·
QUOTE (Shaun @ Jan 14 2010, 02:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual, soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tshirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "your going to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and i thought "I am either still dreaming or this is my lucky day!" Not wanting to loose a moment i embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, tshirt still around her neck.

Happy but a little puzzled, I asked "what was that all about?" She explained "the egg timer is broken"

Im here all week
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Hahaha...classic
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#14 ·
The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward was sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease! (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs.. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".
 
#16 ·
An 80yr old man decides to have is wife killed, he manages to track down an assassin. The assassin says, "no problem I'll make it a clean head shot", the old man replies "NO!, in case you miss!", "right" says the assassin, "I'll go for the heart, I'll aim just below her left nipple to be sure", the old man replies, "dear god, no! I want her dead not knee capped!"
 
#17 ·
A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"
 
#18 ·
Tommy ran home from school and could not wait to break his good news. "Mum Mum!' he yelled "i had sex with my geography teacher today!, Dad dad guess what!, i had sex with my geography teacher" The father replied "I'm proud of you son!" much to his mothers disbelief, the dad replied "You are now old enough to ride your brothers bike", Tommys face dropped with disappointment, then softly replied...

"I can't, My arse hurts!"
 
#20 ·
QUOTE (Dylzer @ Jan 14 2010, 02:38 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>Is that not the joke?
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Bloke walks into a bar with a girrafe, orders a pint and the girrafe collapses on the floor!

Barman says, "ye cant leave that lying there like that"

Bloke says, "its not a lion its a girrafe"!
Yes it is!
 
#23 ·
A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this&#8230; "Looking for man with these qualifications: won't beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed."

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out.

After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 
#24 ·
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
 
#26 ·
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.
Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom... The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.