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Kevin
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1. chuck norris's tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried

2. rather than being birthed like a normal child, chuck norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. shortly thereafter he grew a beard

3. chuck norris does not sleep. he waits

4. chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wednesday of the month

5. chuck norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs

6. chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

7. chuck norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. he then shouted "how dare you rhyme in the presence of chuck norris" and ripped out her throat. holding his girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the chuck!" Two years and 5 months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 of those minutes screwing his waitress

9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

10. the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

11. Chuck Norris was the Fourth Wise Man. He brought the baby Jesus the gift of "beard", Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favouritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths

12. Chuck norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying "booya"

13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death

14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris

15. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the inform ation that he needs

16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.

18. Filming on location for Walker:Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stilborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking it's neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

19. Chuck Norris shot down a german plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang"

20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him

21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like chuck norris

22. after much debate, president truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending chuck norris. His reasoning? It was more humane

23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris

24. chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the sh1t out of little kids.

25. the quickest way to a mans heart is with chuck norris's fist

26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire

27. One day chuck norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares chuck!". He is still there to this day

28. before each filming of walker:texas ranger, chuck norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquiliser. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights

29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.

30. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said "don't worry about it honey" and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said "Never question Chuck Norris".
 

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PMSL 2 of my favourites

13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death

14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris
 

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Here is a similar list I got a while back, some of them are the same but some are also different.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "farking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and

meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fark down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's

Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shiat.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
 

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Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
 

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Chuck Norris is so fast, that he once ran all around the world and roundhouse-kicked himself into the back of the head.
 
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